Unfortunately, Mr. Simpson is not here to accept this award, but has sent a message on his behalf instead. It reads:
“Thank you so much for bestowing me with such a highly-regarded title. I fit the bill and have many qualities that have helped me get to where I am today: I consistently refer to my daughters’ breasts and “sexiness.” I have oddly shiny spikey hair and speak without thinking, all with a creepy, slow-Texas drawl. I dress too young for my age – note my t-shirt with white jacket look that I’ve been sporting since 2004.
I also break up nearly ever relationship/marriage my daughters choose to be in. Why? Because Daddy knows best. I refuse to let my daughters go anywhere without me. I tell them who they can be friendly with, and who they cannot. Although I was once in a profession where people confided in me, I’ve since gone in another direction – I manipulate situations to my benefit. Essentially, I pimp my daughters. For a living. I dress them. I advise them. I rule them.
I truly am “the grossest Dad on the planet.”
[Insert applause here.]