Ballots are in…Votes have been tabulated…

Joe Simpson (father of Jessica and Ashlee) has been voted “grossest and most inappropriate Dad on the planet.”

Unfortunately, Mr. Simpson is not here to accept this award, but has sent a message on his behalf instead. It reads:

“Thank you so much for bestowing me with such a highly-regarded title. I fit the bill and have many qualities that have helped me get to where I am today: I consistently refer to my daughters’ breasts and “sexiness.” I have oddly shiny spikey hair and speak without thinking, all with a creepy, slow-Texas drawl. I dress too young for my age – note my t-shirt with white jacket look that I’ve been sporting since 2004.

I also break up nearly ever relationship/marriage my daughters choose to be in. Why? Because Daddy knows best. I refuse to let my daughters go anywhere without me. I tell them who they can be friendly with, and who they cannot. Although I was once in a profession where people confided in me, I’ve since gone in another direction – I manipulate situations to my benefit. Essentially, I pimp my daughters. For a living. I dress them. I advise them. I rule them.

I truly am “the grossest Dad on the planet.”

[Insert applause here.]