So I’m quickly approaching the time in which this little Baby Girl will leave my body and start living and breathing on her own.
She will do so via c-section.
Just a year and a half ago her sister was born via emergency c-section. And, given my location in a smaller hospital on the Baja, given the length of time since my last c-section and given several other components, a planned/elective c-section is the best decision… for me and my family.
It’s taken nearly 40 weeks to digest this.
Here’s the thing: I never, ever, EVER wanted a planned birth over a “traditional” birth. If I were being completely honest – which I try to do on this blog – it’s always bothered me.
Why does it bother me?
Truth? I don’t want to chose my child’s birthday. I don’t want to interfere with nature.
(I know it works for so many others, but for me, it just doesn’t feel organic and like a Kylee-thing to do.)
I like the spontaneity of natural birth. I like that it happens when it’s supposed to happen. As someone who prefers control, I like that birth is one of the few life-changing moments that I cannot control. I realize and respect that relinquishing control is a necessary part of life… and I like it.
And I know I’m not alone. I’ve read countless stories of women who have wrongfully blamed themselves for emergency c-sections or for some reason or another, felt judged or as if they were less of a Mom after having one. And, thankfully – I’ve read countless birth stories of women who have felt comfortable and even empowered by their elective c-sections. (Bravo, ladies.)
Right now we do have a date in which Sweet Baby Girl 2011 will be born into this world, but I am secretly hoping and praying that she decides to come sooner and in fact chooses her own birthday. The beauty part is that my doctor supports my choices and if the day that we’ve chosen arrives and I’m not comfortable – it won’t happen.
After giving birth to Lila and not having the vaginal birth that I had planned for – I was heartbroken.
I can’t lie, I felt like I failed. I felt like I was sort of hesitantly let in the back door after failing my initiation into the mommy-club that I had so terribly wanted to join . I experienced an avalanche of emotion primarily consisting of guilt, frustration, anger and disappointment. I felt as if I was wearing a name tag that said, “My name is Kylee… and I had… an EMERGENCY c-section.”
(See? I’d throw in the “EMERGENCY” part so that everyone would know that I tried (oh, how I tried) to have that baby naturally. As if I’d get more points that way.)
When I’d retell Lila’s birth story, in the beginning I would put a strong emphasis on the fact that I had pushed and that I had tried for as long as I did. (As if this would somehow ring up extra points on my “Good mom” scoreboard.)
But, a while after Lila’s birth, and I certainly mean a WHILE, I came to terms with how she entered this world.
I’d love to say that her birth story was one that I was thrilled with. But it wasn’t. There will always be a slight sting. A reminder that I didn’t do what I had set out to do. (And I have a sneaking suspicion this is more common than not in many women’s first-birthing experiences.)
Now, with Baby Girl 2011 – I’m preparing myself. I’m telling myself that there is no room for my expectations or for my ego in this process. The prevailing importance is that she is born healthy and that we are safe.
In light of that, I’ve started reading about pregnancy more – you know, a refresher on breastfeeding, sleep training, labor, etc.
The other night I read about c-sections in, “What to Expect when you’re Expecting“. (I have a love/hate with this book.)
I had previously ignored this part of the book. You know, since I wasn’t going to have a c-section.
The first line was this:
[Insert swift kick to the stomach. And heart.]
Then, I went on to read more and found that there is literally a total of ONE full page (front and back) about, “Cesarean Section: Surgical Delivery.”
Disappointing. Frustrating. Annoying.
Here’s my truth:
The measure of a mother is not how a child comes into this world… instead, it is by how she mothers that child.
I have no words to accurately describe how I feel right now about welcoming my second child into the world. I know this: I know my heart has room to love someone else. At this moment, it hasn’t reached maximum capacity. I’m ready to meet this baby.
And, I know that a c-section is merely a means by which she’ll travel into this world. No more, no less.
Oh, sweet baby. I can’t wait to meet you.
1.) Your birth experience(s)… tell me, were they what you expected, wanted, imagined? Why or why not?
2.) Your thoughts on c-sections?
Have you checked out Lisa Ling’s website for women? http://www.secretsocietyofwomen.com/