I’ve done this before.
I’ve returned to work 12 weeks after experiencing the most momentous life-change I could ever imagine. And I just want to get it over with already.
I’m writing this on Sunday… and all day I’ve been thinking about my imminent return to work. Part of me, the part that always wanted to carry a briefcase and wear business suits (as if, I live in Cabo – who wears business suits?) is ready to sit at my desk again. To feel like me. (I don’t even remember my office phone number – but to my credit – I moved to a new office location shortly before I went on leave.)
But the other part of me, the part that is led by my heart and cries at every little thing, just wants to stay at home with my babies. Forever. And ever. And ever. And hold them. And snuggle them. And smother them.
So what am I feeling at this very moment? At 9:44 p.m. the night before I go back to work?
I’m feeling calm.
Now, I may cry in the shower, but right now I’m calm.
There’s comfort in knowing that I did this before. In fact, I did this about 19 months ago. With that one. Below.
I know what to expect. I know that I’ll be schlepping my breast pump (with bottles and ice pack), my purse, my U.S. phone and my MX phone, my computer and my bottles of water to work. Again.
I know that I will invariably forget something every.single.day.
But I also know that this time is fleeting. It’s true: I will not in fact be tied to my breastpump for six years. Nope – more than likely about 9 more months. (Gasp. Omg. That’s all?)
I work so close to my home and I can work from home throughout the week, as well. I’m literally approximately 2 miles away. I’m fortunate enough to live in a cultura that values family above all things. I’ll be coming home each afternoon (I hope) to feed Vivienne around 1 or 2 p.m. (My lunchtime.) She’ll get just one bottle from her caregiver because then I’ll race home to feed her again at 5.
This is all do-able.
Rushed, but do-able.
And the caregiver. She’s pretty fantastic. She’s an all-Spanish speaking mother-of-four who came into our lives at the beginning of the year and has proceeded to be awesome for Lila. Don’t get me wrong, it was rocky at first. The language barrier, the fact that she was new – it was tough. But now? She and Lila are like peanut butter and jelly, or corona and lime. She’ll be taking care of the two ladies all day, every day. (God bless her.) Craig and I will come and go throughout the day, which is awesome, too. We always get to keep an eye on everything.
When I went back to work with Lila, I struggled with so much guilt. The idea of missing **anything** she was doing and not having control of her daily schedule/routine was almost more than I could bear. This time around, I’m still uncomfortable with it – but I know it’s necessary. I need to work and Vivienne (and Lila!) will be fine without me.
In my experience, I worry too much before something happens. I create undue anxiety and then wah-la, the reality of the situation presents itself and I’m calm, cool and collected.
I imagine tomorrow will be the same way.
Perhaps it’ll be the best of both worlds?
I get to be, “Kylee, marketing director” at work and, “Mommy, cruise-ship director” at home.
I’m not saying this is going to be easy, OR that I can do it all. I’m just saying, I will be content in all circumstances and realize that this time is only a season.
I will miss playing with Lila and Vivienne all day, though.
I mean, it’s far too much fun helping Lila dress up her little sister in build-a-bear clothes…
(Here’s Vivienne sporting the genie/belly dancer outfit. Much cuter on her than on Lila’s stuffed bunny.)
As C. said, “You know what? When you get home, they’re going to be right there waiting for you.”