First off, I want to give props to Giuliana Rancic for looking phenomenal and for working after going through all that she’s been through recently. Incredible. Good on you. GOOD on you.
On to the fashion.
First off, I’d like to submit a plea to actresses considering going to an awards event. DO NOT WEAR RED. I am so over red dresses. They’re the little black dress of the red carpet. They’re boring. You seriously don’t want to blend in with the carpet.
Shoot me. I seriously hate these dresses.
I love Reese Witherspoon and her hair is stupendous. I love Zac Posen. I hate this dress. The sweetheart neckline is incredibly flattering, however the exterior boning is hideous and not at all flattering. I was shocked when I saw it from the side. Not ok.
The ruffles are pointless. Ambery Riley looks the best she’s ever looked, but RED? AHHH. SO boring. The ruffles need to be larger or gone.
Dianna Agron from Glee always gets it wrong. The laser-cut thing? Cool. I like the top, hate the ruffles (which I usually adore) and cannot STAND the color. Boo. Try again.
Oh, Madonna. I wanted to like this dress. I did. Because let’s be honest, Madonna looks less worked on than she has in years. (How does that work?) She looks gorgeous from the waist-up. But all of those little satin green squares look like leftover pool tile. Blech. Do-over.
Now, I know you’re going to wonder if my brain has left my body, but I kind of like Laura Dern‘s dress. It’s totally something I’d expect to see Cindy from Three’s Company wear. (And I guess I like that? Yeah, I know, I’m confused, too.) Who doesn’t like a long, formal, sequined tennis dress? “Hey Buffy, where are you heading?” “Well, after tennis, I’ll be walking the red carpet at the Golden Globes.”
I don’t know this Connie Britton lady, but apparently she’s new to earth. It’s a RED CARPET event. You’re wearing your Easter dress. Why didn’t someone tell her?
Ok, Tina Fey gets the, “Most Improved EVER” award. LOOK! Tina is wearing a color! And her hair looks great! Excellent. Fabulous. I’m so pleased.
And the, “Most disappointing” awards goes to Amy Poehler. This seriously reminds me of something that Michelle Duggar or a very conservative Mormon would wear. I’m all for modesty, but this is ridiculous and boring. It looks like it’s way too big and for someone quite a bit older than her. Boo. Hiss.
Better luck next time, sweet Amy.
Why is Jessica Biel wearing what appears to be a vampire’s wedding gown to the Golden Globes? That Justin Timberlake is one lucky fella.
This woman is incredible. Dame Helen Mirren looks phenomenal. Wow. (Seriously, can you even fathom your grandma looking like that?)
She’s hot stuff.
(It felt odd typing that.)
Now let’s chat about the black dresses. Specifically this one. It’s not overwhelming flattering. Too severe for my taste. Morena Baccarin. I’d like to burn it.
Debra Messing looks fine. And boring. I almost didn’t even want to include this photo in my write-up but I did to prove a point: BLACK IS BORING.
Julianne Moore is gorgeous. I appreciate the green earrings and her dress is lovely. She looks fine. But safe. And boring.
“The Audible Gasp Award” goes to Meryl Streep.
WHAT IS THIS?
It’s like a long, satin, country button-up dress. With a belt.
Mila Kunis looks fantastic. I love the top of this dress. She played it safe, but looks stunning (and slightly annoyed), as always.
Jane Lynch has worn this dress several times over in green and copper. (I believe.) Let’s try something new, shall we?
Out of all of the black dresses, I loved this one. Definitely the winner of the “Best Black dress” award. It was perfect for Rooney Mara. I loved the way it moved on the red carpet and she can pull off that nonsense.
And the winner of the, “Old-school Movie Star” award goes to Jessica Alba. She looks gorgeous. That color, her skin, her hair… lovely.
Kate Winslet was disappointing. In posts past, I have said it again and again: I love her. But this dress? It was effortless. In a not-great way. Can we please see a different cut? A different style? Please? Something DIFFERENT?
Kate Beckinsdale did it right. Incredible.
Tell me Nicole Kidman creeps you out in the same way she creeps me out. That dress is so weird. I can’t get over the way her up-top looks. Boo. Thumbs down. She will forever be a Stepford Wife to me.
Speaking of misshapen up-tops. Oh, Kelly Osbourne. I love you on Fashion Police. I respect your opinions. I hate your dress. Your uptop looks freakishly pointy. This dress is wearing you. And I LOATHE the hair color. I just can’t get used to it. This just doesn’t work.
And the third up-top comment in a row: I think Sofia Vergara is trying so hard to get us all to look at something aside from her Dolly Partons… and it’s working. The fishtail of that gown is incredible. I adore the color, too. And she showed some restraint with the accessories this time. Well done.
Next, I am in love with Claire Danes‘ gown. Would I wear it? Of course not, I can’t wear any of this stuff. (I can only blog about it. I’m 5’ 3″ ya’ll.)
Anywho – um, stunning. And the best part?
And then there’s this dress. And I must confess, on first sight… I loved it. Yes, you read that correctly.
It’s FUN! Good for her for having fun. Sarah Michelle Gellar, I like it. I do.
Sweet Emma Stone. This. is. fantastic. NO ONE ELSE looked like this. And seriously, I liked your look so much I didn’t even notice that it was in the red-family. Incredible. Great hair, too.
(I’ll have my best dressed at the end.)
This dress on Julianna Marguiles is disgusting. It is inappropriate and all-the-way-around unacceptable. Sure, sure, sure – I’m sure it has amazing movement and flow, but in photos it’s horrendous.
I’m embarrassed for her.
Not only is this dress far too tight, but you can see Mary J. Blige’s under-things and she appears to have side-boob showing. The bottom also looks like the boots that Beyonce wore when she was in that terrible Austin Powers movie. That look should never be repeated.
Alright, this little lady from Glee is a mess. That seam. THAT SEAM is driving me crazy. I cannot even FATHOM why anyone would accept this as a Golden Globes dress.
THE SEAM IS PUCKERING.
Even her most ferverent supporter, whom I am married to, cannot dispute this fact: THIS DRESS IS TERRIBLE. It is just ugly.
Zooey Deschanel is so quirky, yeah, blah, blah, blah… but this seriously looks like she was sponsored by Mountain Dew.
I hate it.
And I could not STAND her hair. Did you see it? She had these weirdo-layers cut right near her ears that made it look like she had lambchops.
AH. WHY DOES THIS GIRL REMIND MY HUSBAND OF ME? (I would never wear that. Nor do I sing when I talk.)
AND, the biggest crime of the night:
Lea Michelle from Glee.
WHAT in the world is happening here? She’s 26-years-old. This dress is not for a 26-year-old. And it’s not for a person who plays a high school student on TV. It’s just mature. And it’s just too much. I mean seriously, this is an Oscar dress. And, this dress has been worn by Halle Bery about a bazillion times already.
I could go on and on.
I hate this.
And next, I feel that a brief disclaimer is necessary before you clearly see who I have chosen as my best dressed.
DISCLAIMER: Just because I’ve chosen her as my Best Dressed, it certainly doesn’t mean that I like her. She’s holier than thou, she’s the most non-relatable person in Hollywood and I seriously have yet to see a film she’s been involved with that I like. I am not a fan.
But when I saw her, I gasped.
Therefore, Angelina Jolie (ugh.) is my hands-down winner.
SHE LOOKED stunning.
That body. Those lips. That hair. That dress.
It all worked.
And I mean, come on – she just looks so friendly. She’s all, “I want to know you more. I want to be your friend. I care about you. Do you want to be friends?”
Blech. So yeah, it’s her. I vote for her.
It’s essentially treason, if you ask me.