Ah! The day I’ve been waiting for. It’s my Christmas.
Seth Macfarlane wasn’t funny, I felt he was hardly entertaining. I vote that Amy Poehler and Tina Fey should host all awards shows in 2014.
Enough about all that. Let’s talk about what really matters.
We’ll start with the ladies who were waring red.
While I couldn’t quite say what exactly Marcia Gay Harden has been in recently, I can say at first glance I like the dress. Then I looked at it again and there are far too many pieces to it. The sleeves are silly. The tiered mermaid tail? Eek.
No. This is pretty blech.
Look at Olivia Munn’s top.
How does it successfully stay up?
I’m just in awe of it.
I don’t care for the bodice design because anything gilded makes me think of Michael Jackson (is that normal?), but I love the draping of the bottom.
Judging by the look on her face she’s not too sure of it, either.
No one wants to wear a limp dress.
Jennifer Aniston looks, “eh.” I love the fuller skirt. I really do, but eh. I’m bored with her.
I don’t know who this is, but I like this gown. Except for the choker-part. Blech. No one should wear collar-like adornments around their necks unless they’re pets.
Next, the blues.
Reese Witherspoon looked incredible. I’m in awe of the shininess of her hair. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN? I think she looks gorgeous.
No but seriously, how is her HAIR THAT SHINY?
What is wrong with Nancy O’Dell?
I’ll ask it again, what is wrong with Nancy O’Dell?
Jennifer Hudson is a stunning woman. I don’t see her gown, though. All I see is HER HAIR. Extensions are out. Her hair is gross. Cut it off and give it back to whichever animal from whence it came.
This must be the MOST BORING STRAPLESS GOWN I have ever seen in my life.
Helen Hunt, no.
And why? WHY is it so wrinkled?
UPDATE: I read that this was an H&M gown. Confusion now cleared up.
And now for the black dresses.
I’m not sure I have anything to say.
It just is.
And, may it be noted for the billionth time, I love her eye makeup. And holy cow do I love her voice.
(She looked gorgeous when she performed with her hair down and not pulled back and huge.)
This little lady looks gorgeous.
I fully support when pregnant women wear body hugging clothes. Except for if they’re Kim Kardashian because seriously? Her clothes are so tight I worry for her baby.
Tee hee, I love you Helena Bonham Carter! You’re just such a hot mess. I shan’t say one negative thing about you because I feel that others will say enough.
I will say this though: this.woman.is.nothing.if.not.consistent.
This is her jam and she rocks it each and every time.
I’m normally a fan of all things art deco and I don’t hate this dress. I mean, it’s Halle Berry, I’m hard pressed to say that she ever looks bad…
Very retro. I like it.
To Giuliana Rancic‘s credit, I don’t think this dress photographed well. It sort of looks like a crazy mess. I thought it looked so pretty on the red carpet. And I love, love, love her shorter hair.
I think it’s the hair that I’m most offended by… Kelly Rowland’s bangs are so grossly thick and the bun-thing is crooked, no?
Again, the dress is fine I suppose, but the styling (bracelet and shoes included) is beyond disappointing.
I love Kristen Chenoweth. I mean, she’s such a teeny, tiny little lady and she managed to look tall. I love this dress. (Don’t love her hair, though.)
Oh, Nicole Kidman.
I get it. It’s hard to look good wearing a molten lead super woman dress.
I hate this. (Please look at the bottom.)
But, I always feel badly for you since you were once married to Tom Cruise so I will not add you to my worst dressed list. You’ve been through enough already.
What happened to Norah Jones?
Why is her hair so bad? She clearly went with Kelly Rowland to get their hair done together.
Norah, this is all fixable. Just change your hair. Don’t ever do this again.
Sandra Bullock looks STUNNING. This dress, oh, this gown is perfect. I adore it. Gold purse, though? Why?
Samantha Barks. The dress is lovely, but I don’t think it’s appropriate for the Oscars. And of all the necklaces to choose, she picked a sun/cricket/bug-like thing? I mean, come on.
Next, the muted tones…
Amanda Seyfried looked horrendous.
The halter part was so ill-fitting. (You can’t tell in this photo.) I just viscerally hate this dress so much. The severe-pulled-back hair.
I was so close to voting Amy Adams my favorite dress of the evening. I’m a sucker for all that fabric. But what ended up killing me was her hair. Up close (since you know, I was there…) just looked SO disheveled and messy.
So pretty, right?
Charlize Theron has the single-most perfect peplum-appropriate body EVER. It gives her a waist. She looks STUNNING. She’s gorgeous.
Jennifer Lawrence’s body just don’t even make sense. Of course she looks stunning. I like the design of the dress, but I hate the fabric. It looks like upholstery. She can handle the volume and the weight of this dress, though. (Except when walking up stairs.) She can wear anything.
I love this. Jessica Chastain looks impeccable! Definitely a best-dressed nominee. Perfection.
One day I’m going to wear red lipstick…
Catherine Zeta Jones is pretty stunning. I like the top third of the dress. That’s it.
Octavia Spencer looks gorgeous. The color looks stunning on her. IT fits her perfectly. I love the shrug piece on the top. The drop waist. Gorgeous.
Queen Latifah looks gorgeous. So classic and lovely.
I want to be her friend, too.
I wanted so badly to like this dress on Zoe Saldana but there are just so many elements that don’t make sense:
The falcon-breast flowers are weird.
That silver belt?
And a weird waist bow?
Take all of that top-half crap off and the dress is amazing.
Her shoes were wrong, too.
Next the colors…
I love this on Jennifer Garner. I just feel that she has so come into her own. She looks classic and fresh and understated and kind.
The wax likeness of Jane Fonda looks crazy-good.
Blech. I feel that Kerry Washington could have looked so much better. I despise the gown. Her hair is silly. This is so bad. That usher in the background looks better.
WHAT is happening here?
This truly made me laugh out loud. Um, ok Maria Menounous.
This totally works.
Welcome to prom 1983.
And, now on to the worst dressed.
I have a few.
The award for the MOST INAPPROPRIATE GOWN goes to:
Brandi Glanville. (Ex-wife of the guy who is currently married to LeeAnn Rimes.)
What in the NAME OF ALL THINGS HOLY was she thinking?
I ask her this, would you want your sons to bring home a girl who dresses like this?
This DISGUSTS ME.
Go home. Go home now.
And the award for the BEST MUG SHOT/DIRTY LOOK goes to:
What’s wrong with this girl? Why is she so flippin’ put upon?
IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO BE A STAR AND/OR LOOKED AT get a different job.
I will help you by vowing to never willingly watch one of your films EVER.
DO YOUR HAIR.
GET OVER YOURSELF.
And the [somewhat snarky] award for the WORST OF THE NIGHT goes to:
Oh my gosh, what is it about her very public existence that makes me want to cover my eyes and ears?
I literally loathed this dress, though.
That weird apron-like neckline with a necklace?
The criss-cross back with a weird bow?
The silly baby-pink color?
It’s so annoyingly demure.
And the boobs were too pointy.
So there, I’m justified.
It’s not just because she DRIVES ME CRAZY it’s because her gown truly blows.
I’m in love.
Now it’s your turn!
Please note that I wrote this post after I was on a huge boat for 2.5 hours this afternoon/early evening and came home and got sick and felt like I was going to die. I wrote this when I was only 40% alive. I’m telling you this because I’d like for you to know that a.) I get motion sickness on a porch swing and b.) this is how important fashion recaps are to me.