Dear everyone I know,
If you’ve sent me an email* in the past, oh, I don’t know, 4 – 6 weeks, I promise I will write you back. (*This pertains to non-work email only. I can’t promise when you’ll get a response on work-related email… )
I’m embarrassed. Forgive me?
I really am going to write you back.
I’m getting there.
This sunny afternoon I was driving to pick up my girls from escuela and I kept thinking that my Mom was dead. It’s as simple and as complex as that and it’s a thought that hasn’t left me since September 9th. It’s heavy and it brings with it physical pain and sometimes I can carry it and sometimes I can’t. And I was overcome today. Again. Listening to Chris Rice sing, “Baby, take your bow.”
Baby all the world’s your stage,
Playwright pens your final page,
And then, brings your curtain down.
So blow us your kisses and drench our eyes
We’ll rise to our feet to say goodbye… for now,
Baby, take a bow.
It’s time to lay your burdens down.
So baby take your bow
(Rest of the lyrics here. Great song.)
So I cried a little.
Then I wiped off the tears, parked the car and put the smile on.
Then when I was driving them home, radio on quietly, there was this conversation:
Lila: I have my schoolbook, right Mommy? (She’s referring to her homework book that she brings home two nights a week to practice her penmanship.)
Vivi: I want a schoolbook. I really need a schoolbook. I want a schoolbook. I need one, too.
Lila: Vee-vee, you do not have a schoolbook because you are small. Next year, when you are big, like me, you will have a schoolbook. Like for your classes. Like English class. Like I have English class and a book and the teacher teaches the kids English. But I already know it. Because it’s English. And I know English.
I laughed. Awesome. Fantastic explanation of how schoolbooks work. And English. I’m glad you “already know it.”
While I was laughing 10,000 Maniacs was playing in the background…
These… are… the days… you’ll remember,
Never before and never since,
I promise, will the whole world be warm as this.
And as you feel it, you’ll know it’s true that you are blessed and lucky…
It’s true, that you… are touched by some thing that will grow and bloom in you.
Yet another example of the misery and beauty of grieving. Crying one moment. Overcome. Smiling and laughing and thankful the next.
Welcome to me. Right now.
Then later this evening our little family of four was driving to Costco. It was all just slightly annoying. I was late coming home from work. There was unexpected insane and unusual traffic on the way to Cabo…
|That’s a PAPER traffic worker alerting us to slow down. I suppose it’s safer than plowing down a real person.|
Somehow on the way to Costco, in the stopped traffic, I froze the navigation/satellite radio in my car so the hour-long trip to Costco (yay, traffic. again.) was complete with Lila and Vivi’s incessant chatter and no musical respite.
To confirm, the talking was ABSOLUTELY INCESSANT. (They are my children.)
And there was occasional smiling.
Then Lila noticed the gorgeous sun setting. The sky was purple and pink and perfect. Stunning.
She tells me, “Mommy. Take a picture!”
And I didn’t. I just looked at the sky and smiled and took a deep breath.
Then she said, “God and Nana made a beautiful sky tonight…”
She says that Nana’s her angel now.
And then I cried.
Second time today, crying in the car.
And then moments later Craig tells me to take a look at Vivienne Kate who had grown quiet on the unexpectedly long Costco trip…
And then I was laughing.
Oh Craig… I’m sorry I’m like this right now.
It is what it is, my friend.
Thanks for still holding my hand.
And thanks for listening to Anne Murray with me right now as I write this.
You whistle during the chorus of a song that my Mom liked and I smile and sing because Anne Murray rocks it…
And even though we ain’t got money,
I’m so in love with you, honey
And everything will bring a chain of love.
And in the morning, when I rise,
You bring a tear of joy to my eyes
And tell me everything is gonna be alright.
And everyone? I promise. I will write those emails.
I’ll get there.
Vivi started ballet with her big sister.
Digest that iPhone cuteness and then love my husband more because he got them ready for ballet and took this picture. Follow him on instagram, he’s craigb23.