…and, it’s time!
It’s awards show season and everyone at TwoPretzels.com (me) is very excited to report to you, my dear friends, on the very important state of celebrity gowns on red carpets. Because, this matters.
YES. This is my Super Bowl.
Let’s dig into the 71st Annual Golden Globe Awards.
I was beyond excited to spend the evening with Tina and Amy.
I will say that Tina has never looked better. Well, that pulled-hair-back-thing below wasn’t so great, but when they opened the show her hair looked amazing.
|Tina in Carolina Herrera|
Amy (I’m sorry!) always looks like a 1982 cheerleader who needs better bra support (see above).
This is probably the best she’s looked in years but she always does weird neckline stuff.
I hate this.
Then there’s the E! ladies.
When I first saw this dress, I hated it. (Almost as much as I hate Kelly Osbourne’s hair color.) But girl knows how to pose, no? Beautiful. And I sort of love the parted hair and the slicked-down thing. Lovely.
I love Giulianna Ranic but I loathe this dress so much.
Gross. How is the top part baggy on her?
The two life-saver dots on the top look together like too-close-together-of-nipples. Again, I hate this dress.
So then there was the color-blocking. This is Aubrey Plaza and she is wearing purple.
If I liked purple, I bet I’d like this dress.
When I first looked at Julie Bowen from Modern Family I was floored. Holy cow, Batman. She needs to eat something. Pierogis, stat! This isn’t normal.
But, I love these sleeves and in a Napoleon Dynamite kind-of-way I want to touch them. I love purple when it’s with another color.
Taylor Swift is wearing Carolina Herrera and I love it. For her. She looks classic and lovely and her hair is adorable. Nicely done, little [er… super-tall…] lady.
Camila Alves, the stunning wife of Matthew McCaunegheyeyey (I don’t have time to google the correct spelling) is wearing a very shiny gown. I think we have far too many fabrics and textures going on below. Is it me? I will give her a pass because [assumedly] she just had another baby. (I’m not sure if this is true.)
Zzzzzz…. Jessica Chastain is undoubtedly gorgeous. Her Givenchy gown is gorgeous…but boring. Very, boring.
This might as well be on that lady who wrote Murder She Wrote. It’s that boring.
You know I love this, right? Julia Roberts is gorgeous and she’s my aging role model. (But, since I didn’t look like Julia Roberts to start with I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that I’m probably not going to age like her.)
Let’s be honest, this Dolce & Gabanna look is a complete nod to Sharon Stone’s gap shirt and Vera Wang skirt back at the ’96 Oscars. Still, I love this.
Lily Rabe looks lovely… but I just can’t help but think that this is something the First Lady would wear. It’s kind of safe and boring. And weirdly baggy under where her up-top should be. Blech.
Oh, man. I like Leslie Mann. I understand what she’s trying to do with this peplum. She looks beautiful. It is what it is.
I love the top.
I sort of love the art deco look and I think this is lovely. But, I think it’s too old for Lizzy Caplan. This is something that Heidi Klum should wear. (If Heidi didn’t dress like an 18-year-old hooker.)
Monica Potter looks lovely. I have nothing negative to say. Nothing positive either. It’s fine. Whatever.
Minnie Driver looks stunning. But a short dress? Nah. I just don’t think so. It’s an evening event and you’re not 19.
Sofia Vergara always brings it, doesn’t she? BIG hair, BIG necklace, BIG dress, BIG… well. You fill in the blank. I actually think this is horrible. It’s just too much.
Uma Thurman’s gown is horrendous.
It’s a bedazzled left-over costume from Britney Spears’ 1998 world tour. And that skirt. Well. It goes without saying… Or actually I’ll say it: that’s bad. Is that a circle design embedded in the fabric?
And for worst hair of the night:
WHAT IS THIS?
I love me a high-bang pony tail… but what.is.this? Amber Heard. You make me laugh. Your hair is so bad I’m ignoring your one-shoulder hideousness.
Elisabeth Moss‘ hair looks terrible, too.
And, her dress looks like a snake. I don’t love snakes. So, yeah… I don’t love this. I mean, I actually do, but maybe just not on her?
I think someone needs of approximately 6 ft needs to wear this.
Amy Adams looked lovely in Valentino. Understated. Color-blocked. And Gorgeous. At first glance I thought this looked like a, “Hey-I’m-in-Cabo” maxi dress. I didn’t think it was appropriate. But, I do love it. Fresh.
Dear Edie Falco, that fabric is not forgiving. Nor can I forgive you for that bow.
If I were on a red carpet I would no doubt look like this. I wouldn’t look that good in the dress, but I’d totally look that awkward. Emma Watson looks both unhappy and like having arms isn’t natural.
I’m bored with this.
Julia Louis-Dreyfuss is wearing a halter neck. I think this is so very borderline trashy. You guys, halters very.rarely.look.tasteful. It’s really hard not to look like one of Hef’s girlfriends when wearing strings around your neck.
Don’t love this.
Julie Delpy is also disgusted with her gown. So am I.
Kristen Connolly does look lovely. But look at those orchids behind her. (!!) Now those are stunning.
I feel that this dress needs to be pulled up. End of story. Meh.
There’s no doubt that Kyra Sedgwick’s body is fantastic. That dress is tacky, though. Peach? This is just not my taste. I think that center-seam is just hard for anyone to wear. And I wanted that hair in 1986. I believe I had a spiral curling iron that claimed to give me those results… um, it didn’t work.
Sarah Hyland from Modern Family continues to dress awfully.
She’s actually wearing the Queen of England’s dress.
And I’m not understanding her eyebrows.
Sigh. Does anyone look good in this cut of a gown? It’s far too nightgownish for my taste. I like more structure. Taylor Schilling is gorgeous, but eh. Whatev.
So when did Reese Witherspoon turn into a vamp? Whoa. She looks stunning in this Calvin Klein number. Gorgeous.
Now look – this is a halter done right. (What? It’s not really a halter? Yes I know. Exactly.)
Next, there’s the pregnant ladies.
Olivia Wilde is wearing Gucci and she’s gorgeous. I think she’s due on February 4th.
And then there’s cute Drew Barrymore wearing exactly what I would expect her to be wearing.
She looks adorable and cute.
Kerry Washington is gorgeous in her Balenciaga, but I’ll be honest, I don’t love this gown. Show the bump. Don’t hit it under an empire-waist cape.
Helen Mirren is sporting the senior version of a One Direction hairstyle. Still, she looks lovely. Age approriate and all that jazz.
So originally I thought Andy Samberg’s wife dress was ridiculous. But then I googled her (Joanna Newsom) and I realized she’s just quirky… AND talented. She’s a harpist and she’s cute. So, I don’t hate this. I mean, I don’t love it… but whatever. (See more about her here.)
Good for her.
Jenna Dewan Tatum looks hot. Whoa. This Roberto Cavalli number is just sexy. I absolutely love it. The rectangle earrings? I don’t love those. They’re dumb.
I just want to pull this dress up. I feel like we should not see the under part of her hoots. It seems to me that the starburst part of the dress should just be higher. So yeah. This is a miss for Kate Mara.
Michelle Dockery, from my favorite show right now, Downton Abbey, looked so lovely. (I want to cut my hair that short… I think… but I won’t, because I’m a wuss…) But if the gown is cut that way, why on EARTH isn’t the lining prettier? I mean, make it hot pink.
This is horrendous. Oh my gosh. I nearly invoked the name of God and interceded on her behalf to ask for forgiveness.
WHAT IS THIS, Naomi Watts?
This offends me. (Yes, I know, I hate halters.)
But that necklace? The cut-outs? The color? The sheen…
Rashida Jones makes me smile.
This is great.
Oh how nice, a tea-length dress.
We are not at a tea. We are at a red carpet event in winter.
The tiers are horrible. I really cannot abide this. I’m sorry, Sarah Paulson.
Then there’s this little lady. A short dress on her is age appropriate. Taissa Farmiga is a doll. I mean, her hair is cute, this dress is strange, but she’s young so she can wear a short little ditty and she’s got plenty of time to wear something cute.
Zosia Mamet in Reem Acra.
You know, I feel like I’m losing my edge. Because I personally would never wear this. But she looks nice. I mean, she looks fine. Again, would I ever wear it? No. But she can.
So then there are the looks that literally make.me.sick.
Caitlin Fitzgerald’s gown makes me sad. Like despondent, sad. It’s so boring. I worry that she looks like one of the girls locked away in Flowers in the Attic. I want to help her.
Now don’t get me wrong… I love her, but I hate this. Of course, Jennifer Lawrence is wearing Dior again… and of course she’s a doll…but blech. This whole look is just horrible. So, so, so disappointing.
The black bands. The baggy middle-part. Ew. It’s just bad. Is she wearing green earrings?
She has Halle Berry hair and we’re ALL sick of Halle Berry’s hair…
Paula Patton‘s gown is a JOKE. Right?
The hem is far too short. On stage it was just bad, she couldn’t walk in it… which is sort of a thing, no? It’s all too much: a bracelet, a big ring, big earrings and a dead polar bear cut on your left shoulder? Not cool.
I mean, this is crazy. I definitely expected Robin Thicke’s wife to be far more demure. Or something.
You know, I would never have thought that Lena Dunham would just show up wearing a yellow sunshine gown. But, she looks fantastic in this Zac Posen. It’s happy. Her Claire’s necklace isn’t so great, but the dress is happy. Exellente.
If ever I went to a party and Kate Beckinsdale was there, I’d purposefully stand no where close to her. I mean, she’s the Vanna White of Hollywood. She can wear anything.
Heidi Klum what is the matter with you? Why do you dress like this? Why do you wear clothes like this? Presumably you have good taste. I’m afraid this is not accurate any longer. You look kind of stupid. That choker? WEAR A BRA. Just all of this. No. Bad.
Zoe Saldana, what in the world is this?
WHAT A MESS. The dress is so strange. The different pieces just cut and pasted together. The nude shoe. The pink purse? WHAT?!
This is killing me.
Now I know that Kristen Chenoweth wasn’t a nominee or anything, but this is the single-most boring Chico’s dress I have EVER SEEN on a red carpet. I would imagine it’s very versatile, though. You can just ball it up and throw it in your suitcase because it’s 90% spandex and wear it to a conference.
I expect more.
And the worst dressed of the evening: Hayden Panettiere. I was shocked that Tom Ford put her in this.
That hair? WHAT?!
That horrible string halter with the strange broach.
The color-blocking that was meant for a woman a foot taller.
ALL OF THIS IS HORRENDOUS.
I hate this.
I am so sorry that this happened.
Cate Blanchett’s gown astounds me.
This Armani Prive is a masterpiece. I absolutely love it. LOVE IT. The chiffon. The lace. The whole thing. AMAZING.
Well you know I was going to like this. I love prints. And this Rani Zakhem gown on Kaley Cuoco is FANTASTIC. I love, love, love it. The color. The boning. It’s romantic, but hardcore. I’d wear it in a heartbeat. (Still, I know everyone is going to hate it…)
…My best dressed of the evening is so obvious.
Lupita Nyong’o is perfection in this red Ralph Lauren Collection gown.
This is the best fashion decision of the evening.
Everything about this look is right. Her skin. That color. Her hair. The styling.
I have a feeling she’s going to be voted best dressed all the way around.