After she died, so many people would say to me, “She’s always with you.”
“Your Mom is always with you.”
“You have an angel now.”
And I’ll be honest, I kind of wanted to scream.
[People who are grieving are not themselves and dare I say, not reasonable. Death and reasonable do not go hand in hand. And no matter what you say to a person grieving, you’re risking that it may or may not a.) make them cry or b.) be taken the wrong way. Still, risk it. It’s worth it. Acknowledge the loss.]
I remember thinking and feeling, “I don’t want her to be ‘always with me’ theoretically — I WANT HER TO BE ALIVE. I want to CALL her. I want to SEE her. I want to hear her breathing. I want to hug her again.”
Thank you, but no thank you to the angel thing. I’ll pass on all of this and stick with with the original.
So here I am today.
And she’s always with me.
Our life, just like everyone else’s, is filled with chaos and drama and schedules and appointments and coughs and sniffles and crying and tattling and laughing and loving and… well, life.
But over the past year our everyday conversations have changed. Her name is spoken daily. Just the other day Lila said to me, “So what are the things that Nana liked to do?
“Well, she liked to cook.”
Lila: “I like to cook!”
“And she loved to eat.”
Lila: “I love to eat!”
“And she loved making things… and trying new things.”
Lila: [completely satisfied with these statements] “I like to make things and try new things. I’m just like Nana!”
BIG smile on her face.
See? She’s always with me.
I was hanging up clothes in my closet the other day and Vivienne said to me, “Remember when you were crying the other day?”
Vivi: “Yes, you were crying because you miss Nana.”
Me: “Yep, it’s ok to cry — especially when you miss someone.”
Vivi: “Yep, and if you cry again – I will hug you. Ok?”
See? She’s always with me.
I was making chili the other day and I opened a can of chili seasoning that she had made and canned for me. I had never opened the mixture of spices until she died. But that day I went ahead and I sprinkled into our dinner something that she had created.
It’s in those ways… it’s in these ways that she’s always with me.
Do I physically feel her presence? No. Not all the time.
But there are moments that I feel so, so close to her. I can’t explain it.
I think everyone really was right.
She’s always with me.
—The Story of Loss. On Losing my Mom.
September 30, 2013 :: Slivers of Sunlight :: Post here.
October 6, 2013 :: That first week.Those first days :: Post here.
October 14, 2013 :: 14 days after :: Post here.
October 20, 2013 :: I found a treasure :: Post here.
November 4, 2013 :: She’s been gone for 4 weeks :: Post here.
November 13, 2013 :: I smile and drive and cry and smile and cry :: Post here.
November 17, 2013 :: Weekends aren’t easy :: Post here.
November 26, 2013 :: The holidays, the firsts :: Post here.
December 1, 2013 :: 8 weeks :: Post here.
December 10, 2013 :: The Dream :: Post here.
December 19, 2013 :: Vulnerability and Moving Forward :: Post here.
December 22, 2013 :: The reminders. They’re everywhere :: Post here.
December 29, 2013 :: 2013 :: Post here.
January 1, 2014 :: The New Year :: Post here.
January 7, 2014 :: 2 days from 4 months :: Post here.
January 17, 2014 :: Another Gift :: Post here.
January 25, 2014 :: She would have been 60 today :: Post here.
February 9, 2014 :: Five months :: Post here.
March 6, 2014 :: Almost six months :: Post here.
March 27, 2014 :: One of the Best Gifts Ever :: Post here.
April 1, 2014 :: We’re all in this together :: Post here.
April 24, 2014 :: 7 Months, Easter and Nope, I’m still not normal. :: Post here.
May 6, 2014 :: Mother’s Day without a Mom :: Post here.
June 1, 2014 :: Moving “forward” :: Post here.
July 6, 2014 :: Denial & acceptance & blah, blah, blah :: Post here.
August 20, 2014 :: So, I’m 35 :: Post here.
September 2, 2014 :: 7 days :: Post here.
September 8, 2014 :: The Day Before a Year :: Post here.
September 9, 2014 :: Hello, one year :: Post here.
October 11, 2014 :: The brain is funny :: Post here.
November 6, 2014 :: Love :: Post here.
November 30, 2014 :: Post here.
December 4, 2014 :: Another feather. Post here.
December 28, 2014 :: All was calm, all is bright. Post here.