I’ve been a fan of Martha Stewart for years.
It was solidified when she was doing a craft segment on her show. I can’t remember the exact details, but I believe Snoop was the guest (I could be imagining this, or hoping it…), and one of the required elements for the craft was a regular, humdrum pair of panty hose. (I wasn’t imagining this part.)
Martha explained to the studio and home audience that you needed to use just one leg of the panty hose for the craft and indicated it as such by calling the singular leg of hose a “panty ho.”
As in, “You take a ‘panty ho‘ and cut it like so…”
This slayed me.
A “panty ho”?
She said it without a smile. As if everyone in the world knows that a singular leg of tights is called a panty ho. Because she said so.
ONLY Martha Stewart can use succinct diction and declare a singular leg of nylons a “panty ho” with a straight face.
Like this giant paper star/flower thing.
So after that, I started follow The Martha Blog, which has provided far more entertainment than probably intended. Truth be told, Martha is amazing. She’s a visionary. She’s artistic, yet shrewd. She’s strong and bold. I adore her and have much respect for her.
Before we start, you should know that Martha has two separate Instagram accounts.
The first, @marthastewart seems to be Martha, the brand. It’s artfully curated and grammatically correct. Polished. Spit-shined. You’ll find nothing but glistening perfection.
The second instagram account, and the one you really need to know about, is @marthastewart48. It’s authentic Martha. It’s a little messy, a little grammatically flexible and subtly braggadocios and wholly delightful.
Friends, it’s a must.
It’s Martha, unplugged. And it’s a delight.
So, without further ado, here’s10 Reasons why you should be following Martha Stewart on Instagram
(Be sure to read her captions. Friends, her captions are what make the following worth it.)
1. She’s holding a goose. And smiling. And it’s hers.
Because who knew that the mythical land of Pomerania also touts geese, not just small yappy dogs?
And she subtly jabs that she doesn’t have just one Pomeranian goose. Ya’ll, she has TWO.
(I’ve noticed that she always has at least two of everything. She’s either building an arc, or has a spare in case one dies.)
2. Her horses have excellent senses of humor.
Martha hereby demonstrates to us that her horses are both jovial and entertaining. And, she teaches us a new word: paddock. (It means a field or a pasture. I did not know this. I did not grow up around horses.)
Who knew the “Halloween” spirit was this boo-larious?
3. She’s business.
I hope one day that I’m beloved by Target…
…Nautica and millions of fans would just be a bonus.
(How RANDOM is this caption? Is worth measured by brand loyalty?)
4. She’s an exceptional hint-giver.
THANK YOU, MARTHA! I was thinking to myself, “I wonder who that is…” Then when Martha gave me the initials of her mysterious friend, I was like, “Oh! That MUST be Oprah Winfrey.”
I can’t even.
Shaking my head.
REALLY? Like we didn’t know who that was?
[Kindly note that this is yet another punctuation-less post.]
5. She has more fowl than you, so there.
These are Martha’s chickens who live at the farm. (Not in her home.)
Kindly note that they’re one of ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY PLUS, so… there’s that.
Do you have that many chicken?
Martha and I both highly doubt it.
Martha wins. Again.
6. She walks the talk and drives a plow.
If you want something done right, you’ve gotta do it yourself, right Martha?
She works hard, that Martha. You cannot deny her that.
How many millionaires plow their own driveways and then take pictures and show us?
7. She knows the lingo.
I’m sorry, but… a.) those are fantastic names and b.) how do you know that they’re dreaming? Their facial expressions? and c.) How do you know that they’re not dreaming of Malta?
10. She’s comfortable in her own skin.
Martha wants you to know that she doesn’t have full-body tattoos.
In case you were wondering.
“Not that I would do such a thing…”
But, I kinda think she’s open to it.
If you’re still wondering if you should follow Martha, this should clinch it.
The Lionel and The Martha joining forces to celebrate great tableware.
This is the stuff that dreams are made of.
Or, rather… this is the stuff that my Instagram feed is made of.