2019 Golden Globes Red Carpet Fashion Recap

Ya’ll! Welcome back to the ever-important and necessary diversion that is fashion. The 2019 Golden Globes Red carpet is obviously not important. I mean, life is FULL and busy and chaotic and polarizing and political… but sometimes we just need to look at fancy dresses and comment on them. 

Join me, won’t you?

My initial thoughts:

1.) So may deep V’s. As Vivi says, “Too much information.”

2.) Maya Rudolph and Amy Poehler are amazing. I wish we could be friends.

3.) Lady Gaga gets extra points for matching her hair to her dress. 

4.) Alcohol + celebrities makes for a ridiculous night. Someone, cut them off. Were they all drunk?

Let’s begin.

Let’s start with love.

Joanna Newsom looked adorable. I always love what she wears. She seems fun.

Would I wear it? Never.

It looks like one of those little lavender-smelling sachets you put in your under-things drawer.

Speaking of love.

I didn’t love this, as worn by, Giuliana Rancic.

COULD THIS BE MORE BORING?

snooze.

.

Not boring? Kate Mara is this crazy Miu Miu number.

You guys. A couple of things.

1.) Don’t wear anything the color of sherbet. (Or “sherbert.” However you say it.) Ever.

2.) When I was little, my gram would give us styrofoam balls and we’d use pushpins to add sequins and other adornments thus making beautiful Christmas ornaments. (Our thumbs were so sore. Ever push pins into styrofoam balls for hours?)

Anywho, we put ornaments on our trees.  Not on our up-tops.

3.) This is too long and I worry that Kate’s bun is so tight that she might get a headache.

There were other neutrals at the Golden Golden Globes.

Like this ill-fitting Louis Vuitton gown on Emma Stone.

The “flesh” tone is off.

It’s bagging at the front.

It’s all just an unfortunate spiderweb of sadness.

Then there’s Irina Shayk looking incredible in gold number.

I’ve got nothing bad to say about this.

She looks incredible. I love that she chose not to wear a necklace.

Wow.

(Bradley Cooper looks so handsome, too. The different color whites are kind of hard for me to handle. But I’m working on getting over little things like that…)

What kind of serum / juice cleanse / unicorn magic is Felicity Huffman employing?

She doesn’t age.

And that gown is amazing.

Kiki Layne is stunning.

I can’t stand behind that choker, but I think the gown means well. I love the color. But the up-top pads bother me.

And the boning? No one’s girls are symmetrical so it’s best not to place them on a grid, no?

Dax Shepard’s face was my face like halfway through the awards show.

Kristen Bell looked AMAZING in Zuhair Murad.

Head to toe.

Dare I say a best-dressed contender.

Kaley Cuoco’s arms look great. And, I love this gown.

I love the velvet. The bow. The white. It just looks so sophisticated.

{Omg. Hugh Grant is getting older.}

{I mean, I know we all are.}

{But… you guys…}

Laura Harrier’s gown has sooooo much going on: ruffles. Sequins. I just sort of feel like it’s not as stunning as she is.

And those shoes?

They were a mistake.

Isla Fisher looks fine.

I just feel like it’s all a little too prom-y.

Big huge gown, big huge hair, fancy necklace with matchy/matchy [million dollar] earrings. Red lips. Side swept hair.

The only thing I love is the pockets.

Jessica Chastain is over this awards show crap.

That look SCREAMS: DONE.

I feel like this gown is far too mature for her. It would like fine on Helen Mirren or Jane Fonda.

Eh.

I hate this.

It’s a halter with a giant velvet bow.

This is horrible.

And, someone call the Disney authorities because I think Penelope Cruz may or may not have skinned Ursula the sea witch from The Little Mermaid.

Creepy.

I love this tea-length gown on Octavia Spencer. 

She looks lovely and her shoulder-length hair is gorgeous. Love this. (And the cocktail ring.)

Truth be told, in the 10 years that I’ve been writing about Fashion Recaps I’ve probably liked what Amy Poehler has worn twice.

After tonight…

…I’d say that in all of the years I’ve been writing fashion recaps I still have liked what Amy Poehler has worn… twice.

WHAT?

Elisabeth Moss. You cannot wear a formal tennis dress to an evening event.

Even if you put a fancy choker on.

I cannot get behind this.

Ok.

Forgive me in advance for what I’m about to say. 

Her Pamela Rowland gown looks like a fancy snuffleupagus. 

Charlize Theron looks SENSATIONAL.

Wow.

I love that bow.

I love that black and the white.

I love all.of.this. STUNNING.

Idris Alba’s daughter, the Golden Globes ambassador, is lovely.

I love a peplum and a topknot, but…

Let’s take inventory, friends. We’ve got ruffles, sheer sleeves, big earrings, a peek-a-boo midriff, a mermaid cut WITH additional tulle ruffles on the hips {why?} and MORE ruffles on the bottom.

I mean, some might say this is too much…

…and some would be correct.

…Speaking of too much stuff on a gown.

…here’s another.

Awful.

This is TERRIBLE.

It’s not my worst-dressed because that would be too easy.

Here are some ruffles that don’t bother me.

This dress is my relationship with my husband.

The ruffle part, that’s me. A litttttle too much. A little askew. A little wacky.

The skirt part, that’s Craig. Calm. Sophisticated. Holding the look together.

🙂 (Love you, babe.)

These mid-riff baring dresses are my nightmare.

You sit down and naturally your skin will rush toward the opening in your outfit like water running down a drain, right?

I’m assuming Thandie Newton doesn’t have that problem.

She looks STUNNING. Her hair is incredible. This is lovely and fun.

“Too much info.”

-Vivienne, my seven-year-old

I stand by her comments. (LOVE the color, though.)

I think this is lovely.

She looks lovely.

Would I wear this? No, I would feel like I was being strangled by my outfit.

Which is unsettling.

Vivi told me that Melissa McCarthy looked like a magician.

I think that’s a solid compliment from a seven-year-old.

(I love this color.)

Tah-dah!

There is one show I’ve enjoyed recently on television and it’s The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. Rachel Brosnahan looked lovely in lemon yellow. A perfect nod to Mrs. Maisel. And, I loved the back.

So pretty.

I also think Alex Borstein looked AMAZING.

I love her.

This color on Amy Adams. It’s gorgeous.

I think she looks stunning.

If I had to chose between Judy Greer or the Fiji water girl’s outfit… I might go with the latter…

I’ve got to tell you, I love this Louis Vuitton dress on Indya Moore.

It’s young and cool.

Well done.

The draping on this gown is perfection.

Sandra Oh is lovely and her hair, over on that right-side, is a WONDER of nature.

(DO YOU SEE THAT?)

Eeeeeeeekkkkk…

I’m so sorry, Alyssa Milano. I am a FAITHFUL Who’s the Boss fan, but I can’t with the shirring on this asymmetrical number. It’s not flattering.

As a rule of thumb, adding additional material to your hip-area doesn’t usually work.

Gina Rodriguez is stunning. I just think this is too daytime for an evening event. In January.

But I mean, I wear white pants in the winter, so maybe I’m not the right one to judge?

She looks like a red velvet cupcake.

I could do without the rosette in the middle, but this look is adorable.

There’s something about this gown that is too grown up for her.

Like, give it a few years, sweet girl.

This is ethereal and lovely.

I don’t mind it.

I don’t love it, but I don’t mind it.

I love a print.

I don’t love this. 

If I had to chose, I’d wear that hedge instead.

Armani Prive is always a favorite for me. Dakota Fanning looks stunning.

I would have done away with that necklace, though.

Also pretty. Fine. Boring. Whatever.

Very Vanna White.

Sigh.

Someone should have told her that she looks like a stuck of gum.

Jameela looks amazing. 

Like four people in the world can wear coral successfully.

I don’t even see the dress.

I only see the eyeshadow.

Marin Hinkle is far too elegant to be wearing this ill-made gown.

I should hope her sister made it for her. Otherwise, there is no other excuse.

Jamie Lee Curtis looked amazing.

She’s standing slightly awkwardly in this picture, but I thought Nicole Kidman’s gown was stunning. She looked incredible.

Lupita Nyong’o looks lovely. I don’t love it or hate it.

I like the color.

I kind of think that Allison Janey went a little bit overboard on the necklace.

It seems kind of intense and potentially obstructive. To breathing.

This is just too easy.

Halle Berry gets “Most Consistently Stunning” for the past 15 years.

HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?

(Everyone is shaking their head in disbelief, right?)

I like a print.

I just don’t understand the veil stuck to Lucy Liu’s neck. I want to see the gown! Remove the veil. Are your shoulders getting married?

I like mixing animal prints.

And I WANT to like this… but there’s just so much going on and the earrings are a mistake.

Saoirse Ronan’s gown is lovely, but I think it’s a little ill-fitting.

I wish I knew what it was made of. Is this metal?

It’s important to be comfortable, warm and age appropriate.

This cutie pie is 15 and I love her choice.

Amber Heard’s drop waist is down far too low.

This is awkward.

Can you tear away the bottom and this because a 50’s style swimsuit?

This would be a stunning bedspread from Anthropologie.

Emmy Rossum always wears different variations of this dress.

Yawn.

My worst dressed?

I can’t believe I’m even writing this: Janelle Monae.

The most stunning woman ON THE PLANET looks weird.

No.

My worst dress is Kristin Cavallari.

Apparently Cher had a yard sale and Heidi Klum bought this gown. Then Heidi Klum had a sale and sold this to Kristin.

It’s just…tired.

And, it’s way too big for her. (Check out those sleeves.)

She’s stunning. This gown does nothing for her.

My favorites:

Keri Russell. I just love the draping of this.

Gemma Chan looks sassy and stunning. 

This color reminds me of my favorite crayon: midnight blue.

LOVE all of this. Romper it up.

Emily Blunt looks INCREDIBLE.

I would wear this in a hot Mary Poppins second.

Sofia Carson looks ADORABLE in this outfit. I LOVE IT.

I love the styling. I love it all. I’d wear it.

(Be young. Be fun.)

Julia Roberts looks classically STUNNING. I love the pants.

I love the draping. The belt. The train. All of this.

LOVE.

Rosamund Pike’s gown and styling are INCREDIBLE.

I’m in love.

And my best dressed?

Yup. Constance Wu.

There is something refreshing about this look. The boning. The color. The orange bow.

I just kind of love this whole thing.

It’s fresh.

What did you think, dear friends?2