2019 Oscar Red Carpet Fashion Recap

Edited 2-25-2019 10:30 am

First of all, this show needed a host. Trevor Noah? Tina Fey? Susanne Wang who used to host House Hunters back in the day? I bet she’s free.

I just felt lost during the broadcast. (“Broadcast”? I’m apparently 73.) What was happening next? This hostless approach didn’t work for me. Even if they asked a Cracker Barrel hostess to merely direct the actors where they need to go next, that could have been helpful. It was a bit chaotic, no?

Secondly, BEST speech of the night? Olivia Colman. Fantastic.

That said, THIS was the awards show of PINK of RUFFLES of FLUFF and of art deco influence.

📲WANTED to tell you before we get started, GO NOW to my Instastories on Instagram and vote on YOUR faves. Visit @TwoPretzels on the app and click the little orange “kylee” button to see my stories and vote! You only have 24 hours.

Let’s begin, shall we?

(YOU GUYS, I apologize in advance. I wasn’t blown away by any of this fashion. This is boring. Get a snack.)

So pink was definitely a thing. As were structured gowns. Angela Bassett is stunning in this Reem Acra number.

LOVELY.

Perhaps a bit too sateeny for me, though.

Next, Gemma Chan in Valentino.

I like the pink.

I like the collar.

I just can’t get behind the rest of this dress, however, I would have ADORED this as comforter when I was 9.

Kacey Musgraves is wearing Giambattista Valli and I’ll be honest, I’m in love with it.

Her hair. Her lashes. Her makeup, it’s all great.

I’m just not a fan of showing your underoos under your gown.

Call me old fashioned.

More pink.

Helen Mirren looked like coral loveliness in this chiffon-number. It’s fine.

I’m not blown away. (Pepto.)

Sarah Paulson tries it all, no?

And sometimes you try and it doesn’t work.

That’s ok.

This didn’t work.

Just roll your designer pink sleeping back up and go home and come back and try again next year!

(I also wanted to write, “When life gives you a sleeping bag, go camping!” Get it? This is puffy? Like a sleeping bag?)

And every award’s show requires at least one ridiculously big bow: Kiki Layne for the win.

I love this bow, though. The CUT of this dress is FANTASTIC, too.

LOOK, you guys. NOT EVEN A CREASE.

Perfection.

(I hope she was able to sit down.)

OH, you know what… I can’t even be mad at this print.

Maya Rudolph looked fine.

This is one of those instances wherein inner beauty and wit trumps a good outfit.

Marie Kondo‘s dress brings me joy.

It’s a keeper.

And best of all? She can roll it into a little happy tube and just put it in a drawer until she wears it again.

YOU GUYS.

When I was wee lass, I wanted to grow up and be Lisa Bonet. I have been blown away by her style and her loveliness since FOREVER. SHE IS SO COOL.

And, she is IS still PERFECTION.

And then you’ve got Jason Momoa in what appears to be a crushed velvet pink suit. I mean, YES.

Why, THIS is my best dressed couple. NO questions asked.

They’re cool.

Not my best dressed couple: Tommy Hilfiger and co.

I’m just shaking my head.

Stop it: a mashup of my Grandpa’s pjs and his slippers? I can’t. Where’s the metamucil and eye drops?

And, take off your sunglasses. You’re not Bono.

Next in the Happy Couple Category…

Eek.

#bodylanguage

Mr. Spike Lee and Tanya Lee Lewis are cute.as.buttons.

Very colorful buttons.

Vibrant. Cool. While purple is my least-favorite color in all of the world, this is just ridiculously cute.

3,203 points for the gold shoes.

(Trying to resist a “Do the Ring Thing” joke.)

Jennifer Lopez and A-Rod obviously look great.

I don’t even know how this is possible.

Sorry, I’ve got nothing.

It’s their world. We just live in it. She looks like a beautiful constructed patio mosaic, he a fancy waiter.

Billy Porter and Adam Smith.

I’m smiling.

Christian Soriano does it again.

Break the rules, Billy.

Do you.

I support you.

Jennifer Hudson owned red.

Rachel Weisz appears to have been draped in latex and I’m worried that she may have an allergy.

Latex allergies are real, ya’ll.

This isn’t ok.

Marina de Tavira looks AMAZING.

Vivia Mexico! (So proud of Roma and of Mexico.)

Next in blue, the incredible Tina Fey in Vera Wang.

Very matron-of-honor. Albeit, well-fitting, but… boring. This is what the bride makes her friend wear so that she doesn’t look better than her.

[insert knowing nod]

I hate this.

I can’t help it. I hate it.

Charlize Theron in Christian Dior Haute Couture. This does fit her like an isotoner, BUT… I cannot HANDLE the conical shape of her uptop.

I cannot abide it.

I do, however, like the cuffs of the sleeves.

And the back

Octavia Spencer looks stunning. Lovely.

Here’s Laura Herrier.

Listen, the necklace and the dress don’t go. I can’t.

You’ve got Christmas around your neck and a dess that appears to be an od to pollen on the bottom.

I hate the belt, too.

This is a no-go for me.

AND… wow.

Ashley Graham.

Wow. I mean.

One day maybe I’ll fill out a dress like that. And maybe I won’t. I mean, I probably won’t.

Yeah, it’s a no.

Queen Latifiah is gorgeous, but I just don’t think this dress fit her as well as it could have.

Allison Janey looked amazing.

I like that side bustle-thingy-jobby.

I do feel that her bangs were too flat and plastered to her head. It reminds me of my nine-year-old who when I put her hair in ponytail says to me again and again, “NO BUMPS. NO BUMPS. Please smooth it out.”

So, Regina King is perfection.

There’s always one at every show:

A barbie.

This didn’t fit.

I hate it.

Emilia Clarke looks like she’s wearing a Balmain clam shell from her friend, Ariel, the little mermaid.

Craig asked, “What’s it made out of?”

My response: “Moonbeams.”

Danai Gurira, I don’t like this.

It looks like the upholstery of a couch you could pick up at the Salvation Army. While I trust that it’s warm, it’s boring.

Emma Stone is wearing a Louis Vuitton waffle with pointy sleeves. Pass the maple syrup.

My sister said she looked like she was wearing a beehive.

I can see it.

Yalitza Aparicio, oh, sweet girl. You’re beautiful.

This Worst Dressed is too easy. I’m sorry, SZA.

THIS gown is SO FUN.

Stop it. I know it was silly.

BUT THIS IS FUN.

Linda Cardellini is so cool.

I’m wearing this to work on Monday for no other reason than to celebrate Monday. As Dumplin’ says, “Why should Friday have all the fun?” (Have you seen Dumplin’ on Netlix? WATCH IT.)

P.S. I would have worn a different shoe. Nude? Clear? Not black.