It’s grief. That’s what you’re feeling. Coronavirus life changes and grief are one in the same.

When my Mom died, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. That tightness in my chest and in my limbs didn’t go away after that game-changing phone call, but it stayed with me… for months.

I started taking life second by second, minute by minute, hour by hour… Each was wrought with a series of grief-filled reminders that my life wasn’t the same anymore.

My old life was gone.

I remember feeling so angry, so alone… I felt as if no one on earth knew what I was feeling at that moment. I remember looking around at the people driving in their cars next to me, or at the people in front of me in line at the grocery store, or sitting across from me at meetings and thinking… “My heart is so heavy, and you… you look like everything is fine in your world. I’m dying inside over here… and you’re ok… I mean, I want you to be ok… but it just hurts…”

Silly me.

Their hearts were heavy, too. Not at that moment perhaps, but I’m certain, at a different time in their lives.

Right now, we have a lot of heavy hearts.
Grief unites us. It’s a tie that binds.

::

We’ve had an immediate change that has uprooted our daily lives, friends.
That coffee run? Gone.
The 20-minute chat with your co-worker? Nope.
Your time at the gym? Gone.
Those golden moments when your kids leave for school and you’re alone? Also gone.
It feels as if our autonomy, our very control has vanished.
(Like EVERY pair of scissors in my house. Where ARE THE SCISSORS and why do the girls always take them? I digress…)

There have been larger, life-altering changes, too.
Jobs have been lost.
Positions have been furloughed.
People are wondering how they’re going to pay their rent, their mortgage, their bills.
Some people are “sheltering in place” in a home or environment that isn’t safe.

::

Life is BIG and heavy right now. It’s weighing on our shoulders, our chests, our hearts.

Friends, I do not believe that “everything happens for a reason.”
Nope.
In fact, I think a ton of hard things happen for no good reason.

I do think, though, that sometimes, somewhere… some good can come of it.

::

When my Mom died, I ignored all of the “How to Grieve” books.
No thanks. Don’t want to hear it.
I’ll do this on my own.
Already had a dead parent, I can handle the second one just fine, thankyouverymuch.

But I read one $3 book on the flight from Cabo to Missouri.
Crying in my seat, quietly.
Folded into a ball, hugging my knees.
Realizing that my life would never, ever be the same again…
It was by Max Lucado and it was called, “God Will Use This for Good, Surviving the Mess of Life“
I needed no directions on how to walk this path.
I needed something fast.
I needed… HOPE.
I wanted to know that I wasn’t always going to feel this way.

::

Oh, but Kylee. I don’t believe in God. I don’t believe in church. I don’t want to hear it.

I know. And this isn’t about religiosity or church. It’s about faith and hope and optimism and joy.

::

I highlighted this in the book, through my tears. And I read it again and again and again:

“You’ll get through this.
It won’t be painless.
It won’t be quick.
But God will use this mess for good.
In the meantime don’t be foolish or naive.
But don’t despair either.
With God’s help you’ll get through this.”

::

And here I am.

I made it.

I’m here.
And good came of it. (Max Lucado and God were right.)
My life has forever been altered.
My Mom died and I am stronger.
I operate differently than I did before she died.
I am a different person.
But, I made it.

::

Friends, our lives have been altered.
And we’ll operate differently after this has all passed.
But, we’ll make it.

::

Ya’ll, it’s a scary, frustrating nerve-wracking, volatile time… each day brings a new challenge, doesn’t it?

Homeschooling.
COOKING all the time.
Trying to work from home.
Shoddy internet connections.

But maybe it helps a little bit knowing that we are in.this.together?
By worrying we can’t change a thing.

::

So, turn off the news. Check it once a day — maybe twice. (Seriously.)
Turn the notifications off on your phone.
Mediate. Download the Headspace app (my favorite) or Calm.
CALL a friend. FACETIME a friend. TEXT a friend.
Do a group chat.
Check on everyone.
When we look beyond ourselves, we feel better, no?
Take advantage of all of the artists going LIVE on Instagram and sing with the singers, laugh with the comedians, dance with the instructors and draw with the artists
Watch a Broadway show for free.
Have a dance party in your living room. (Or by yourself.)
Organize your pantry.
Practice physical distancing, but not social distancing.
We need one another, friends.

Or… just sit there… and just be.
You don’t need to write a novel or vacuum your floor.
You don’t need to paint a dresser or learn to make pasta.

Just BE.

::

You’ll get through this.
It won’t be painless.
It won’t be quick.
But God will use this mess for good.
In the meantime don’t be foolish or naive.
But don’t despair either.
With God’s help you’ll get through this.”

Love to you all,
Ky

P.S. What are you watching? What is getting YOU by? Share, share, share! I’m finally getting caught up on A Million Little Things. Love that show. And if you want my next email delivered to your inbox, add your address to the “Subscribe to the next post” below. Or, if you think someone needs to read this, too — please, share it.