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Even small rainbows are welcome here.

Hope you’re all ok.

Love,
Ky

#rainbow #cabolife

Here's what self-care looked like for me this week

Here's what self-care looked like for me this week.

• Skipping a few morning workouts

• A nap

• Olives*

• Getting off my phone

• Ordering out instead of trying to conjure up dinner from thin air.

• Not answering texts & emails.

• Going to bed early.

• Letting the laundry pile up.

• Breathing

• Writing & reading.

Last week was a lot -- the anniversary of my Mom's passing, a hurricane, my late Dad's birthday -- and I took this week to just... be.

By nature, I'm a do-er.
My value & self-worth are derived from getting stuff done, taking care of others and being the one people count on. I like to show up. But Brené has taught me the importance of being vulnerable & relying on others. It would appear that I *don't* have to travel this world alone. In fact, when those closest to me ask me how I am... I can feel comfortable and *really* tell them.

This is big for me. Sharing how I'm doing may mean that I'm not as strong as I thought I was. But, friends, that's not fair. You share with me... I need to reciprocate & share with you. I'm not a failure if I can't do it all by myself.

I love building relationships, knowing when your Dr. appt is, when you get the keys, when you leave for your trip, or if your Mom is doing better. I want to support you when your son is going through a tough time & when you're starting something BIG and huge... we all want to do this, no?

But then, I need to re-charge.
I need to be alone. Quiet. Silent.

It's so important that we give ourselves permission to step back, settle in, and rest. To rest and take care.

Thankfully, we all go through big things at different times. If I can be a light or a peace to someone who is GOING THROUGH IT, let me be. Many of you have been that light & peace to me in the past week because you could sense I was teetering.

Thank you.

So, here's your reminder that everyone goes through hard things... And it's ok to rest, retreat... and then tap back in.

Love you all.
I hope that this weekend you make time for exactly what you need. And olives.

Xo,
Ky

*I cannot stop with the olives: kalamata, then green stuffed with jalapeños and garlic and then black. Dear Lord, thank you for olives.

#oliveYou

Today is my Dad’s birthday. He would have been

Today is my Dad’s birthday.

He would have been 74.
I can’t even comprehend this.

I can’t imagine either of my parents as their future *older* selves.

My Dad was 42 when he died.
(I’m 42. I will process this later. Too much already to process in September.)

I regret and am still sad about not getting to know him as an *adult*.
There are questions I have.
There are milestones he’s missed.
There are conversations we never had.

But…
…I am so grateful for my older siblings who remember, who have his laugh and his mannerisms. They have stories.

I’m *so* grateful for them.

::

This summer, I was visiting with a dear friend and when we were saying our goodbyes after a far-too-short visit she said, “I wish I could spend more time with you and see you again, but instead, I’m going to say this ‘I’m grateful for the time we had.’”

I loved that.

I’m grateful for the time we had.

Sigh.

Dad, I’m grateful for the time we had.

I love you and Happy Birthday! I’ll have some cake on your behalf because we Pacholski’s love cake. Give Shirl a hug for me.

Love,
Your Kyleekins

The wind outside is fierce and the rain is coming

The wind outside is fierce and the rain is coming down. There’s a hurricane coming tonight.

The weather is apropos for today, September 9th. The day my Mom died.

As I learned with losing my Dad, some years the “death day” hits hard.
It’s a gut punch.
It knocks the wind out of me.

In other years, it’s a slow burn.
In the days leading up to the annual reminder of her last day I notice a shift… in me…
I’m short-tempered, I’m frustrated…
I’m… sad.
And it’s hard.

Sometimes, it’s a VOLCANO of emotion covering anything [and anyone] in my path.
I can’t control it.
The tears just come.
(And in years past, the tears were mixed with anger.)

This year, it just is.

And that’s ok.

In fact, ALL of the reactions are ok.

::

It could be the fact that we’re prepping for a hurricane tonight and I’m typing this as I listen to the rain come in waves of heavy and light. Just like my grief over the years.

Or, it could be that this week the girls have gone back to in-classroom school part-time for the first time in 18 months and the mental gymnastics and logistics of school pickup and meetings and tutoring and work and lunch packing and the school pickup line and google meets are depleting my bandwidth…

It feels like my brain has been otherwise occupied.

Grief, my forever companion, isn’t driving the car. She’s simply staring out the window of the backseat while I drive.

But I know me.
I know my brain.

I can delay, delay, delay the feelings, but inevitably, assuredly… they will be right there waiting for me when I’m ready…

Read the rest on my blog, link in bio or go to TwoPretzels.com.

Picture 1: The road that led to my Mom's house in the woods.

Picture 2: The tree where we spread some of her ashes. She loved her yard. It was amazing.

#grief #motherlessdaughters #losingaparent #griefandloss #allroadsleadback #mymomwassocool #griefwriting #griefwriter

Alert, alert! School is back in session. It’s a

Alert, alert! School is back in session. It’s a hybrid model, so both in the classroom and online. We are grateful for anything after 18 months at HOME.

It’s also a new school, Lila is in the junior high (secundaria) and Vivienne is in the elementary.

Lila is living her best life and is thrilled she doesn’t have to pull her hair back everyday.

Vivienne, on the other hand, is not quite there yet… She’s a bit hung up on the uniform. “I look like a notebook,” she said.

Lol.

She kind of does. But who doesn’t love a new notebook?!?!

Xo,
Ky

#expatLife #vivicake #lilaPickle #newnotebook

Oh… I missed this. It’s so nice to be home.

Oh…

I missed this.

It’s so nice to be home.

Xo,
Ky

#expatLife #CaboExpat #home #caboBeaches #beachDay

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